You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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