Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
