I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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