I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
