he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
