Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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