seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
