i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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