Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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