I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
