broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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