I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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