You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
