i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
