I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
