as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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