I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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