i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Someone signed my nipple.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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