She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
and she was petting her beer can
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
