The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
