You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
