so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
