we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
