I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
