If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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