you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
