No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize