I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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