I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
