I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
