So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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