How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
