I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I need to calm my uterus...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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