We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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