I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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