i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
