I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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