i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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