At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
