Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
they need to just BURY HIM!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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