The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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