two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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