Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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