I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
