so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
sarcasm needs its own font
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
