you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
