I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
