It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
