i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
