Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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