Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well I just put wine in my tea
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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