thus making me awesome and them whores
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
