um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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