I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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